Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Who chose this font
This is amazing.