Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
me: my friends:
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.