batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I saw nothing
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Mountain Goat : )
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.