Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke