Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You Might Also Like
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house