[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.