[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Matt Goss
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks