Battery falling down a hole
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Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Leaving the Barbers like
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob