Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.