BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I