[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
this is so top tier i cant
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?