“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
see you in hell you stupid fruit
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog