Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Nice try, NASA
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.