Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
You Might Also Like
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.