Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
@funTweeters I am at your service….
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?