be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it