Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My purse is deeper than some people.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him