be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
50 shades of grey = my Liver
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time