Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.