Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”


I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.


me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop


[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.


In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”


-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-Say it
-I want u to say it
-Say it


I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.


[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf