Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….