be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
j o i m p
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Meow?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery