Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
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Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you