Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
You Might Also Like
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The news is so predictable nowadays
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.