“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.