@VerifiedDrunk A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
@lazerdoov “Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
You Might Also Like
@VerifiedDrunk 
@Jake_Vig BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
@MatCro [4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
@papasuncle No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
@batkaren I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
@InThaBurbs Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
@UtilityLimb I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
@Kyle_Raney How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
@slimmy_shady Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
@shondarhimes Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.