Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Guy who likes music
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”