Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
You Might Also Like
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.