Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.