Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*