be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
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There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.