Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
R.I.P.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering