Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.