Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
the icebreaker
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”