Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma