Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Flock of bats
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Always…
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.