Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.