Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I鈥檓 in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn鈥檛 built in a day
boss: it鈥檚 been a month
me: rome wasn鈥檛 built in a month
boss:
me: [googling 鈥渉ow long did it take to build rome鈥漖
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let鈥檚 just play and I鈥檒l explain as we go.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.