be safe out there!
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
sliding into dms like
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.