Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong