@ChloeCunha Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
@briancthayer Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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@ChloeCunha 
@TrueTorontoGirl Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
@ThatB_OverThere Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
@GrantTanaka me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
@aparnapkin One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
@bazlyons Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
@NewDadNotes Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
@ericsshadow [Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
@Browtweaten hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
@MovieHooligan New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.