@briancthayer

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

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@ChloeCunha

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

@ThatB_OverThere

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

@GrantTanaka

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

@aparnapkin

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

@bazlyons

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@Browtweaten

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

@MovieHooligan

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.