@briancthayer

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

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@StcyBnsn

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@KattsDogma

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

@bewgtweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@karanbirtinna

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

@Cpin42

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

@squirrel74wkgn

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…