@Boston_Corbett Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
@briancthayer Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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@Boston_Corbett 
@StcyBnsn Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
@junejuly12 [road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
@deloisivete me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
@KattsDogma Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
@bewgtweets [first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
@karanbirtinna My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
@Cpin42 [being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
@sailormarspimp houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
@squirrel74wkgn [alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…