Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
You Might Also Like
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
There is no “we” in chocolate.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
when you don’t want to be too vague
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.