Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
(2022)
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
what?
It’s an epidemic…
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
British people be like I’m Bri ish
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?