Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

You Might Also Like


Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.


I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.


If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.


Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!


Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.


Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.


A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”


I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.


The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”


Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful