Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
that de-escalated quickly
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.