Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
pictures of spider-man
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK