I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’d … I’d rather not.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”