@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

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@thejessbess

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

@SheMightHave

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@Fred_Delicious

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

@KylePlantEmoji

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

@

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

@bakerbakerbaker

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

@AnnaKendrick47

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

@IAmYardDad

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”