Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.