Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.


Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.


When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.


Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.


“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”


Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero


Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.


friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?


In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”


There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”