Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song