@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

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@Uncul_Scientist

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

@Merman_Melville

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@AngelaTheAwful

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

@DamonHunzeker

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

@StinkyGr33n

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

@RickAaron

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”