Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away