Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.