Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]