Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
OKAY DAD
Imma just leave this here…………
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.