Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.