@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

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@stevetweeters

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

@MolotovJohnny

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

@iamspacegirl

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

@dave_cactus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@WheelTod

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

@Angibangie

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

@TheToddWilliams

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.