Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
You Might Also Like
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.