Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.